God Works

God works in mysterious ways.

Why our dear Lord would communicate through a potato, or various other food products, we can never know. It's just His way.

It's like the aliens. They never actually come down and talk to us. They probe us and mutilate our cows. It's Their way.

And we shouldn't ask why it is that woman don't want sex as often as men do. That, again, is God's way. Or perhaps the way of aliens, because to be honest, that imbalance is the meanest trick ever played on humans, and it sounds more like something aliens would do than God.

Whenever I hear women talking about how it's a man's world, I just have to laugh. The laughter, of course, is just hiding the fact that we live in fear that we'll meet women who will control us with the supply of sex. And I've never really met one that didn't.

The only power men have is two minutes after. It's the only time we have clarity, and we're the ones calling the shots. That power fades quickly, but for a time, we have all the cards. We can fall asleep. We can call a cab. We can make decisions about our relationships with certainty.

How does sex relate to a holy potato? Well, everything does. Relates to sex, that is.

We walk around pretending like it doesn't. We pretend that men are talking to women because we really find what they're saying interesting. Every single woman on Earth is in denial. He's opening that door because he's a gentleman. He's taking my headshots because he wants to help me break into the business. He LOVES my stories about work.

The relationships between between men and women make just about as much sense as a holy potato. Maybe even less.

Where Genius Comes From

So, I did some improv tonight. It's been awhile, so I was apprehsive about my appearance. At this weekly show, ordinary humans get to perform with mainstage Second City performers. It's lots of fun (to watch), and somewhat fun to participate in.

Anyway, there were a few happy moments where the audience laughed in the right places. Phew.

The biggest laugh I got was in a scene where the premise was that a thrift store owner had acquired a pair of pants with blood stains on it that resembled Jesus. After a couple of folks came into the scene seeking to rub the pants on a child with a brain tumor, I tapped them out and went in with "I'm an athiest. I'm just looking for pants."

It was so much funnier in my head.

My scene partner said "Well, when you see these pants, you won't be an atheist anymore."

I replied, "They're conversion pants?"

That brought a big burst of laughter from the audience, every improv performer's dream. Genius, I say.

Of course, in my mind, the laugh was much bigger than it should have been for that line. As I thought about it more, I realized there was perhaps more to my joke than I'd realized. Mostly because I didn't think I had made a joke.

I got home and did some investigation. Apparently, there are things called conversion pants. They're actual pieces of clothing, and they're presumably something everyone in the audience knew existed but me.

In the end, it doesn't matter, really. Genius is genius even if it comes about because someone is a moron.

Today's WTF Holiday Link

I have no idea what's going on here, but I'm pretty sure the authorities should put a stop to it.

Two-Packs

I don't think I like the way DVD makers create those two-packs containing one movie you want, and another one you have to buy along with it.

The second movie is always terrible, and you always feel like you're being forced into something.

What if life was like those two-packs. You're in a bar, and you meet a lovely woman. You ask her out, and she says "Yes." You're kind of happy about that, but then she turns to her ugly friend and tells you, "You can have me, but you have to sleep with my friend, too."

Time to invest in a new metaphor book.

Brandon's Prank

Well, yeah, he got me. Somehow Brandon got access to my Wish List at Amazon.com, and over the last few months he would, from time to time, add items to my list without me knowing it.

At first, I thought it was just some kind of fluke. I thought maybe some kind of spamming program had infiltrated Amazon's security system. The "spam" definitely had a theme. There were books about being gay, gay themes, gay practices, gay inspiration and all-around gayness.

I saw these entries, and found it odd. I even sent off a nasty note to Amazon about how they should have a setting so people can't add to your Wish List without your permission.

I deleted all those entries, and a few weeks later, I checked in again. Looking at my Wish List at that time, one would definitely think I am into fisting.

I had a suspicion that it was Brandon doing this, but I had no way of knowing for sure.

The other day, I got an e-mail from Brandon: "Check out Scott's blog and see what I added to his Wish List." He'd accidentally sent me an e-mail intended for someone else.

A pretty good prank.

I checked my Wish List one last time, and there were two new entries.

The first was for a book called, "Caught in the Act."

The second entry was for the board game Sorry.

Funny, Brandon, funny.

Today's Contribution

Here's today's contribution to a better rest of your life.

Whuh?

Today's link thing to a weird Amazon book.

Deaf Bears

Today's interesting site. If, by "interesting," one means creepy.

Today's Movie Review

I'm watching "Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior."

This movie sucked, except for a few most awesome fight scenes. I think being a stuntman in Thailand has got to really be terrible. If you're the guy being hit or kicked by the hero in America, you have a union, and CGI and all kinds of tricks to keep you from being knocked unconscious.

But I suspect in Thailand, you just receive damage.

The subtitles on this movie were very funny. Occasionally, the subtitles would have the line of dialogue, and parenthetically it would say: [Speaking Thai]. No kidding.

At one point, the subtitles said: [Techno].

At another point, the subtitles said: [Grunting].

I'm not real sure that techno and grunting need to be translated.

By the way, if you're ever dumb enough to rent or buy this movie, just know that "Ong-Bak" is not the name of the character who is the "Thai Warrior." The hero's name is Ting. I'm sure that insightful clarification is enough to make this movie a much more enjoyable experience. [Not.]

Oh, and one more thing. If you're making a martial arts movie of some kind, it is a good idea to cover your stuntmen with dust. That way, when they're hit or kicked, a cool cloud of dust rises up like the hero has superhuman strength.

Either that, or people in Thailand could really use a good dusting.

My First Book Signing

Had my first official book signing today. It was a very happy and odd experience.

First, it was wonderful that friends came by. All of them bought books. And they didn't have to. They just did it because they're my friends, and they'll never really know how moved I was by their gesture. People drove long distances to be there. People with lives and families. On a Saturday afternoon, with so many other things to do.

The best part of having friends attend the signing was that it took the edge off of the odd part of the experience.

The odd part was sitting at a table in a bookstore waiting for people to come up to the table.

Now, I love me. I've said it before. I love talking about me.

But when it comes to doing it with strangers, I'm not sure I'm very comfortable doing it at all. I don't like tooting my own horn, I guess. Not the best personality trait when you're trying to sell a book.

The good news is that the entire stock of books on hand were sold out.

The last sale of the day took awhile. Everyone had left, and I had one copy of "Twisted Billboards" left. I really wanted to be able to say they'd sold out, but it was time to pack up and go.

I left the table for a minute, and when I came back, and elderly woman was looking at the magnets. She looked a little confused. I greeted her. She immediately reminded me of my grandmother. The one who has said she didn't find my book funny because I went to college, and I have a "different kind of funny."

I expected this woman at the table was just killing some time while her other books were being gift wrapped, but as I talked to her more, she started looking at the billboards more closely, and she was laughing. Out loud. In a Barnes & Noble. She asked if my signing the book would cost extra. Completely charming. Then she said I was a handsome young man.

She went and paid for the book, and I wrote my last inscription of the day, "To Pearl. Do men always fall instantly in love with you? Because I did. All my best, Scott."

It was a day of ups and downs, but mostly ups. Dad said to the people around the table, "Can you imagine your son having a Web site you can't recommend to your friends?" Then two minutes later, he said, "Son, this is just the beginning of your empire. And we were here to see it." Dad's just so...Dad.

I was a little disappointed that my significant other didn't show up at the signing. I kept telling myself it was no big deal, but I think it was. This dumb little book and magnet set has been two years in the works. It's about all I've got at the moment. I guess I wanted it to be as important to her as it was to me.

Mostly ups, though. Really.

I wasn't sure people would want me to sign their books, since it involved opening the kits, removing the shrink-wrap, all that. But every single person that got a book wanted it signed. These people have no clue how much I appreciate them, and how I always will. They have no idea that I'll remember each and every one of them for the rest of my life because they were a part of something that meant so much.

It's just a dumb little book, and silly little magnets. But one person's silly and little is another person's big deal. Today was a big deal.

Today's Movie Review

Today I went to see "Aeon Flux." This was a high-budget science fiction built almost entirely around there being a pretty woman in it. The movie had a lot of "movement" in it, but no actual "originality" or "entertainment."

So, I know I've risked sounding sexist from time to time in the past, and I'll do so again. I think one of the reasons "Aeon Flux" didn't work was that the protagonist is female. I am not sure I can suspend my disbelief when there's a woman getting into fistfights in a movie, or when that woman in killing people by violently twisting their necks and such.

To me, a woman killing someone by twisting their neck quickly, well, it's just not very ladylike.

When you watch a woman hero, and she's shooting people and kicking them and stabbing them, well, to me, it's makes one very conscious that it's a movie. There's a lot of editing so that the stuntpeople can step in to do the actual combat, and I don't know, it just makes the movie less...well, good.

I don't think this is sexist. I think maybe it's saying something nice about women. I admire the fact that in life, you almost never hear about women killing guys with neck twists. Maybe there are some areas of life where women don't want equality, and good for them.

So, this movie wasn't especially good. It's just another product of the Hollywood machine. It has no heart. The story and characters aren't compelling. And the biggest threat to our very comely hero is, how do I put this...sharp grass. That's right. At one point, Ms. Flux (which somehow sounds dirty to me) is nearly impaled on some CGI grass.

Oh, and now for a bonus movie review. I watched "Mad Hot Ballroom" on DVD. I had high hopes, but basically it was a bunch of kids awkwardly dancing. Yeah, that was the whole thing. I'd much rather watch a bunch of kids struggling to escape a brothel in India. What does dancing help kids escape from, other than "being straight"?

Remember

Remember, African-Americans are just like you and me.

One Year

For the longest time, I would break up with girlfriends after a year. Not "about a year." But almost always at precisely the one year point. Looking at this article, it seems that may not have been some random happening.

In a way, it's like relationships expire. Like eggs or milk. Except that you can't use a relationship to make chocolate chip cookies.

This is Quite on the Brilliant Side

There's something so simple, elegant and brilliant about this idea.

This guy is slowly but surely "trading up," starting with just a paperclip. There's a beautiful metaphor in there somewhere, I just haven't figured out what it's a metaphor for quite yet.

This concept reminds me of a Japanese concept, Kaizen. Kaizen is the idea of continuous, incremental improvement over time. It's not really all that well known in America, mostly because we're not long-term thinkers. We're immediate gratification thinkers for the most part.

So, I'd like to change that. I have a thumbtack I'd like to trade. Any takers?

Cool Gift

My first holiday gift suggestion.

No Lye

Hey, what's lye, and where can I get some? I'm just asking. You know, for general information purposes.

This May Be My Last Blog Entry

Yep, you read that right. This might be the last entry I make. Why? Because it's very possible I'm going to kill someone.

It could be someone at Sprint. It could be someone at Radio Shack.

I don't think there's a jury that would convict me.

I have yet to get my "free phone" as part of signing up with Sprint for a new, two-year contract. It's been weeks, and several trips to both the Sprint store and Radio Shack.

At this point, it's Radio Shack I'm most mad at. Some nitwit at the counter went through the whole activation process before realizing the "free phone" I was getting wasn't actually "free" because I wasn't a "new" customer. This one's on the top of my list when I go on my "killing spree." So, I say "no thanks," and they keep their phone and say they'll reverse everything.

I got to the Sprint store. They're saying I'm no longer eligible for a phone because their records are showing I have already recently activated a phone, and my account, and I won't be eligible for a new phone for a year.

This is the part where my head nearly explodes.

I call the Phillipines again, and a very nice gentleman keeps me on the phone for 20 minutes while he finally comes to the conclusion that I have to call a special "upgrade eligibility" line to see about my eligibility status. Thankfully, that line went to a recorded message, without the option to talk to a real person. I say thankfully because speaking to a real person may have, gasp, actually resolved this situation.

The recorded message said I'm not eligible to get the free phone that I am now thinking was just an urban myth to begin with.

At this moment, I'm entering into my tenth minute on hold with Sprint. From what I can tell, the woman keeping me on hold is not in the Phillipines. And yet, being on hold feels the same no matter what country you're calling.

I'm sorry I'll be going away. I'll miss blogging.

Hits and More Hits

A dear friend was talking the other day about how he doesn't like blogs where the person just talks about themselves.

So, more about me.

My site, Dribbleglass.com, got more than 750,000 visitors in November, and may I say, "Holy crap." That's three quarters of a million people. In a month. On a dopey, one-man humor site.

I try to never take those visitors for granted. I try to give them a diversion. They stay on the site an average of 11 minutes, so I guess they're sufficiently diverted. More details below.



There are major corporations in America spending ungodly amounts of time and money trying to figure out how to draw my kind of traffic. American corporations, I have two words for you: funny billboards.

I sometimes like to visit my site's page on Alexa.com, not so much because I think the information is valid, but because I like the screen capture they did for my site. They captured my pop-up (it's supposed to be a pop-under, and don't scorn me, it'll pay me about $750 for November...that's a mortgage payment). Anyway, I think the picture is funny, because there's a guy with a buzzsaw, and it looks like a giant phallic protrusion. Just too perfect for my site.

I like using the Alexa.com site comparison feature, too. Sometimes the results make me smile.



Two words, Mr. Trump.

Hire me.

It's a Hit, Sorta

Talked to my editor, and it sounds like my book is doing pretty well for having been released officially on November 21. To date, it appears 1,408 copies of "Dribbleglass.com's Twisted Billboards" have been sold.

Hey, I don't have that many friends and relatives, so somebody out there's buying it. Phew.

Never Had One, Never Will

People are sometimes surprised to learn I've never had a beer. Never in my life. Here's one more reason why.

December

How in the HELL is it December already? I barely had time to get used to writing the near year on my checks, and now it's nearly time to change again. Sigh.

You know, now that I think about it, I almost never write checks anymore. I do my banking online, so there really isn't much need. I think I made my last batch of checks last about nine years.

I got tired of looking at checks with an address from three residences ago, so I ordered new ones. They have dolphins on them. They are, without a doubt, the gayest checks in the history of checks.

You never see bounced checks put up at stores these days. I wonder if that's because people don't write checks as much, or because there are too many bounced checks to put up, or maybe because there are now laws that say you can't embarass people like that.

Another thing you never see is Richard Dawson. I'm just saying.

Today's Irrelevant Movie Review

Today's movie is a little bit irrelevant, mostly because this movie is old. I got "Supersize Me" from Netflix, and just devoured it. See what I did there? Comedy gold.

Anyway, it was an interesting movie, and was another of those movies calling itself a documentary when it's really just a movie advocating a point of view, in the case the point of view that we're all fat and fast food is the culprit. (Cursory mention is made of personal responsibility, but mostly it's McDonald's fault that we're all big enough to have our own gravitational fields.)

While watching the movie, I started to feel ill. That was weird. Mostly I was thinking about the fact that I haven't had fresh fruit since the Jimmy Carter administration.

I also thought about the fact that when I was at Walmart today, there was a sign at the check-out counter advertising the fact that you can order McDonald's food at any register in the store. What a timesaver! Just when you thought fast food couldn't get any faster, there's this brilliant advancement!

The affects of McDonald's food on this filmmaker were quite astonishing, and I feel sorry for him. In 30 days, he gained 25 pounds and pretty much had liver failure.

Mostly I feel sorry for the filmmaker because his girlfriend is a vegan, and those people are nuts.

Let Walgreen's Know

Let Walgreens know that they did a good thing. Write to them here.

Creativity and Sex

I always considered myself to be creative, but now that I've seen this, I'll have to rethink that position. So to speak.

My Brain Hurts

I just watched a documentary called "The Corporation." My brain now officially hurts.

There's a lot going on in the world that I don't think about too much.

This documentary went point by point comparing corporate traits and behavior with human traits and behavior. It appears many corporations have the same traits as psychopaths.

* Callous unconcern for the feelings of others
* Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships
* Reckless disregard for the safety of others
* Deceitfulness: repeated lying and conning others for profit
* Incapacity to experience guilt
* Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors

Wow. That was an eye-opener.

I couldn't reall grasp a lot of what was being said in this movie. I guess that's part of the problem. Normal people don't even see what's happening in the world sometimes, so it's probably difficult to get those normal people to take steps to rectify things. It must be frustrating to be an activist. You find enlightenment, but it's hard to enlighten other people. So, you make a movie, and mostly you inspire head-scratching.

I learned from this movie that an AOL Time Warner subsidiary owns the rights to the "Happy Birthday" song. I looked a bit further and learned that the song brings in about $2 million in royalties annually.

The other thing I learned from "The Corporation" is that really, really smart women sometimes have mustaches. Is there an inverse proportion between how smart a woman is and how much makeup she uses? Is that sexist?

All that research. All that passion. All the facts. And I'm sitting her thinking about that smart woman expert with the mustache. The world is in big trouble.

Today's Movie Review

I just got back from seeing "Zathura." It's a kids' movie, but I liked it quite a bit. It had a certain momentum, and more than a few laughs. The movie was refreshingly entertaining, even though I feared it would be too similar to "Jumanji." The apprehension was unwarranted. It was frothy good fun.

The most depressing thing about tonight's movie wasn't the main feature. It was the trailer for Steve Martin in the upcoming "Pink Panther" movie. Holy Jesus. I've been a Steve Martin fan forever, but I have to now scream at the top of my lungs, "Steve Martin, what in the HELL were you thinking?"

Has their ever been a more likely disappointment than a new "Pink Panther" movie? Even if Steve Martin did a brilliant take on it, which I do not think he manages to do, people would still be lying in wait to shoot the film full of holes. Well, from the trailer, it appears those people lying in wait are right. This movie is going to blow harder than Katrina.

Wow, it looked bad. Which would be OK, except that it's Steve Martin. Deep sigh.

Oh, nearly forgot to do a review of another movie I saw the other night, "Ice Harvest." I like John Cusack a lot, and he's pretty good in this movie, too. But for the most part it was forgettable. Not funny enough to be a comedy, and not realistic enough to be a drama. I would say more, but I've already forgotten most of what happened.

Game Playing

Since when did "game playing" get to be a negative thing?

Snopes Rocks

I love Snopes.com. Anything that helps put a stop to B.S. is a good thing.

This One's Creepy

All right, here's a little multimedia. Just another benefit of dropping in on my blog from time to time!

Take a look at the two faces below. Angry face on the left, and normal face on the right. Now, move away from your monitor. Get up, and walk away. If you don't see a change in the image, move further away.

If you're not at least a little weirded out, I'll refund your money! (I have no idea what that means.)

Today's Unfortunate Name

Real life. You really can't lick a name like that.

This Just Might Work

Never gave it much thought, but this just might work for me.

Christmas has such a religiousy feel to it, you know? Even the word "Christmas" itself has a religious part. The "mas" part. Because that's what Catholics call their services. But with an additional "s."

Sometimes people invite their friends and family to attend their wedding, and they actually are inviting them to a full-on Catholic service, many of which have been known to last longer than the Cenozoic era.

So, even though this Festivus celebration was started as a joke on a sitcom, why couldn't that be the way I celebrate the holiday season?

Something else caught my attention while reading about Festivus:

"George had been confronted by Kruger after handing out cards for Christmas to his fellow employees stating a donation had been made to a fake charity (invented by George) called The Human Fund (with the slogan "Money For People") in lieu of exchanging Christmas presents."

I have to say I'm thinking about a similar strategy for this year's gift-giving. I was going to let people know I'd be making a donation on their behalf to a charity, specifically one I use that sponsors kids overseas.

The program costs $24 a month, so if I give this "gift" to 12 friends and family members, that means a kid in India gets to go to school for a year. Books. Clothes. The whole deal.

I wonder how people will react. I, for one, would love to get a gift like that. Of course, it's a gift for me, too, because I could avoid the whole holiday shopping ordeal altogether.

What do you think?

I Hate Sports

I hate sports. I don't get sports. I don't get people who like sports.

However, I do enjoy the occasional amazing play.

It Wasn't Always This Way

I was not always the lean, mean Internet Comedy Icon I am today. Yes, I loved the donuts. And, yes, it's donuts plural.

For Your Friends

Just in time for the holidays. For your friends who have everything...else.

The Power

While I sit here, throwing up random inane thoughts and attempts at wit, some people are out there doing blogs that mean something.

This guy is truly exploiting the power of blogging and the Internet. He's telling stories that need to be told. Through words. Through images.

Blogging can mean something. In the meantime. You're stuck with me.

See You in Paris

This is both hypnotizing and disturbing.

Today's Profundity

From the commercial for 50 Cents' new videogame:

"What's mines is mines. What's yours is mines."

Mr. Shakespeare, there's a new kid in town.

I Know, I Know

There was a time in my life when I wanted to be Bruce Lee. He would have been 65 today.

Because I am so mild-mannered, people are often shocked to find out that I am a master of the nunchaku. I would post a video of me doing the nunchakus, but my movements are so fast they cannot actually be recorded with modern video recording devices.

In my youth (up to last week sometime), I would spend hours watching Bruce Lee movies and practicing my nunchaku technique. I hurt myself often, but I persevered. Gaining a proficiency in martial arts gave me self-confidence when I needed it most.

It was tragic when Bruce Lee died. It actually put a lot of burden on me, to be honest. It was a lot of pressure to be the best nunchaku practitioner in the world. Young upstarts still challenge me from time to time, trying to see if they can take the king of the hill down a few notches. When will they ever learn.

I have an impressive nunchaku collection, of course. The tools of my trade. In the hands of a master, nunchakus are one of the most effective and beautiful fighting tools ever conceived. Of course, one doesn't find or buy nunchakus. A true master's nunchakus find him. Or her. But, yeah, mostly him.

So, this is your day, Bruce. I will dust off my nunchakus in your memory. The broken lamps and crystal will be my way of remembering your brilliance. I would like to have known you, but I was just a kid. Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did.

"Ni yao niao niao ma," Bruce.

Downright Fascinating

Here's a fascinating discussion of our "image culture." Of special relevance to someone who creates humor from altering photographs is this excerpt:

"But while Photoshop did not invent image fraud, it has made us all potential practitioners. It enables the average computer user to become a digital prankster whose merrymaking with photographs can create more than silly images—it can spawn political and social controversy."

I am seriously considering turning in my Internet Comedy Icon title for a Digital Prankster and Merrymaker title. I'll have to sleep on it.

It Gave All Right

Today's movie review is for "Something's Gotta Give." This movie came out some time ago, and I finally saw it on DVD today.

This movie was not good, I don't think. It was very self-conscious. They kept trying to convince us that Diane Keaton is still hot, but in actuality, she's not, even with very flattering, self-conscious lighting.

The movie also tries to convince us that Keanu Reeves could be a doctor. Um, no.

The movie is extremely contrived and predictable, and I only like those qualities in my real-life relationships, not in movies.

The biggest question I have about this movie is, "How in the hell did Frances McDormand, that amazing actress who was in 'Fargo,' end up playing a crappy supporting role in this movie?"

The second biggest question I have is, "Why would anyone care about my opinions about a movie that came out two years ago?"

So many questions.

The movie did manage to raise some issues for me. Jack Nicholson's dates women much younger than he is. Seems a popular hobby among men as they age. So, I was wondering how aging women fit into the picture. In life, I mean. If they don't get married, or maybe if they get divored or something, how do they find romantic interests if men are always going for younger women?

I started thinking about this possibly sad, complex social conundrum, but I started to feel sleepy because it's pretty much 3:00 a.m.

Anyway, this movie wasn't too good. It was directed by Nancy Meyers, whom I know, coincidentally. She has certainly managed to build an admirable list of credits of not-good movies. "What Women Want" was not good. "I Love Trouble" was also not good.
"Father of the Bride Part 2" was also not good. I'm amazed that people who consistently make not-good movies get to make more not-good movies.

Thank you, Netflix, for saving me a few bucks. Me sleepy now.

I'm Getting More Angry

With every episode of "Firefly" I see, I get more and more angry that 1) the show was taken off the air, and 2) that I found the show in the first place, given that it was taken off the air!

Why did I have to discover this show only in reruns? From the low ratings, I can only assume lots of people didn't find it in time to save it.

I have to say it's the best sci-fi series I've ever seen. The storytelling is so compelling and original. Fourteen episodes. That's all there were. (Two never made it on-air, apparently.)

The video is going on my Amazon wish list, that's for sure.

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Isn't that just a weak attempt to make us feel better when our hearts are broken?

Today's Surreal Moment

I am very lucky.

Disoriented, but lucky.

All right, make that two surreal moments.

There Are Days

There are days when I really need a swim with a dolphin.

I love dolphins. I am always happier when I see one, whether I'm swimming with one or not.

If we ever decide to get serious about making our planet a better place, we should put dolphins in charge. They're smarter than we are, and they have more fun.



I did some research about boat trips you can take where you spend a week on a boat and each day you swim and interact with pods of dolphins. That would be a dream vacation for me, except for the part about getting sea sick every day for a week.

I love a wide variety of animals, but dolphins have a special place in my heart. I care about dolphins so much that I sometimes ponder getting actively involved in stopping various animal atrocities like the dolphin slaughter that still takes place in Japan. What keeps me from being more involved in something I believe so passionately?

Well, if you don't know, you're not a regular reader of this blog. I am one lazy bastard.

I also don't want to spend the rest of my life rotting in a Japanese jail. Because if I were out on a boat, and I saw Japanese fishermen killing dolphins, I'd pick up a weapon and do harm to as many of those fishermen as possible. I don't think I'd be able to stop.

Yes, I eat meat. Yes, those chickens and cows are slaughtered. Blah, blah, blah. Chickens and cows can't swim.

And there you have it. So go save a dolphin. I have some TV to watch.

Yes, Brandon

Yes, Brandon, I worked with both Pat Morita AND Ami Dolenz on "Miracle Beach."

For those of you less infatutuated with this B-list "actress" (another reason quotation marks were invented, by the way) than Brandon, she is the daughter of Mickey Dolenz, of "The Monkees" fame.

Here's a bit of trivia about "The Monkees" that will be of some interest to my friend who perform improv:

"The four actors selected [for 'The Monkees'] had to take a six-week course in improvisational acting, taught on the set by director James Frawley."

Ah, the circularity of life.

So, anyway, Ami Dolenz. She was very cute, and extremely friendly on the set. One day, I was doing some filmmaking on the set of "Miracle Beach" (lugging folding chairs to the area where everyone would be having lunch), and Ami came out of her dressing room. We made some serious eye contact, and she asked me in her most sultry voice, "We into lunch penalty?"

Well, I have to say, I was quite taken by her sexually suggestive comment. At least I think it was intended to be sexually suggestive, mostly because I had no idea what she was talking about.

In time I realized that Ami Dolenz may have actually mistaken me for a REAL MEMBER OF THE CREW, rather than some P.A. who had no clue at all what a "lunch penalty" was.

I guess a lunch penalty is some union thing where if you make the actors wait too long for lunch, they get paid a bonus of some kind.

I've never been real good at saying when I don't know something, so I think I said "yes." Boy, was Ami surprised when she got her paycheck and that lunch penalty payment wasn't in there. That shortage in her check might explain why her Web site is so sucky.

Anyway, the experience of being one of the primary creative forces behind this classic film is one I'll cherish always. I hadn't been in L.A. too long, and this was my first (and last) movie. I showed up on my first day, and there had to be, literally, 50 drop-dead gorgeous women, nearly all of whom were in bikinis. I had never seen, nor have I seen since, that much silicone all in one place. Two, actually.

I thought it was amusing how the producers of the film seemed to be able to pick and choose companionship from this bevy of women. And by "amusing," of course, I mean "Why isn't that ME?!"

The script was terrible. The acting was pretty bad, too. But I did get to meet some cool people. I met my friend Kurt on that movie, and he went on to be the editor for the top-grossing documentaries of all time, "Bowling for Columbine" and "Fahrenheit 911." I also learned what a "lock down" is, as well as other movie set terminology I'll never use again, hopefully.

Ah, Hollywood. That place I'm so happy to not be in. Except for the bevy part.

Well, Now, That's Just Sad

Everyone's favorite Sensei, Pat Morita, is gone.

I had a special connection to Pat Morita. We worked together on my first Hollywood film, Miracle Beach.

I love those "Karate Kid" movies. The first in the franchise is definitely one of my "comfort movies," as my friend Jen refers to them.

Nobody but Pat Morita could have played Mr. Miyagi. Being an actor has lots of benefits, but foremost among them must be the way that film makes you kind of immortal. Even when you're gone, people can still check in with you from time to time. On DVD. On videotape. In late night reruns.

Daniel: "Hey, what kind of belt do you have?"
Miyagi: "Canvas. JC Penny. Three ninety-eight. You like?"

Thanks for the memories, Mr. Morita.

Parenting

Being a parent can be such an overwhelming responsibility. I think one of the biggest dilemmas facing parents must be when you have to name your child. After all, they're likely to have that name for their entire lives. Names often give us an impression of someone even before we meet them. They're part of who we are.

Sometimes, parents make the wrong decisions. Bigtime.

The Most Common Sentence

After watching endless hours of "Cops," it's official.

The most-often stated sentence on "Cops" is, without a doubt: "I ain't did nothing."

Now you know.

Sing It

Everybody sing along.

One Day

One day, you're on top of the world. The next, you're, well...

A Lot of Family

Thanksgiving was very nice, thank you. The food was good, for the most part, although there were several dishes I did not recognize, nor could I adequately describe them I don't think. Mostly they had some kind of vegetables in them. Several looked like the floor of a frat house after an especially boisterous party.

There was a lot of family time this Thanksgiving. For years, I lived in a different state from much of my family. Now, many of them are here. Closer. Ever so close. Just. So. Close.

I love my family, but I'm not sure I think of myself as a family-oriented person. The other day, I was putting some photos into one of these photo montage type things (genius, because they aren't frames, you just stick a bunch of photos in and swap them out when you're sick of them). I realized that just about all of the photos were of family members. Strange. I guess maybe I am family-oriented, but I just didn't know it until the other day.

Ultimately, the only people we can really count on are in our family. There's a scary thought, huh?

Who do people without family rely on? They should have a rental service so you can get a relative if you need one.

Anyway, I like turkey. I feel badly that it's like the Holocaust for turkeys as the holidays come around. But not badly enough to stop eating turkey, of course. We are still at the top of the food chain, thank goodness.

I wish I had some brilliantly funny observation about Thanksgiving. But I am not sure I have any brilliantly funny observations about anything. Ever.

Oh, well, yeah, there was that one observation about how we park on driveways and drive on parkways, but I'm not sure I made that up. Sigh.

I am bloated.

Bad Day

You think you're having a bad day?

Happy Thanksgiving

Finally, a holiday I can get behind.

I like Thanksgiving dinner well enough, but I'm a huge fan of cold turkey sandwiches.

I like a holiday that reminds us to be thankful for things.

We have to much to be thankful for. There are literally hundreds of things each day that we take for granted.

We have it great, and we don't even know it. It's amazing the things you can get used to. Fresh water. Carpeting. Phones. Indoor plumbing. Having our trash picked up. Supermarkets. Car ownership. Tupperware. Electricity. Clothing. TV. The Internet. Salve.

Every minute of every day we use, buy, dispose of, see and enjoy things we take for granted.

But the things we perhaps most take for granted are the people in our lives. We judge. We resent. We gossip. We ignore. We forget.

Thanksgiving is a great day to remember and feel thankful for the people in our lives. For me, that means you. Thanks for being a part of my life.

Now go eat something.

You've Seen This One

You're probably seen this clip from "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?" This is one that just gets better with repeated viewings.

How?

People are always spouting off about wanting immigrants to speak English. But I don't get how anyone ever learns English after they've already learned a language that actually makes sense.

I just looked up the word "likeable." According to the dictionary, it can also be spelled "likable."

There are a million examples of this kind of thing.

I guess I won't complain anymore about the whole "For English, press 1" thing. Sigh.

Firefly Rocks

So, a few weeks ago I saw an ad for this movie, "Serenity." I saw it, and I loved it. Put the "Star Trek" and (most recent) "Star Wars" series to shame.

The characters were immediately likeable, the story was great, the dialogue sharp, the mix of action and humor was wonderful.

When I found out the movie was based on a series, I was thrilled. Right up to the point where I discovered the series had been cancelled.

I'm not real sure how they got a movie made based on a failed TV series, but somehow they did. I set my trusty Tivo to seek out and record the repeats of the series, and the episodes I've seen I've also loved.

So, now I'm in love with a series that lasted just one season. From what I can tell, there may have been just 15 episodes of this show. The question, of course, is whether it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

The other question was: "Why are TV executives such dicks?"

Rent is Ruining Everything

These dopey commercials for "Rent" are really starting to bug me now.

First of all, the movie looks like a big, fat suckfest. But that's not the irksome part.

The first part of the irking comes from the fact that just about all of the critic quotes featured in the "Rent" ads are for some unknown writer for Dark Horizons. What in the hell is that? How far did the marketing people for "Rent" have to look to find positive reviews? Dark Horizons?

Anyway, the main part of these commercials that's causing the irk is that they're ruining everything. How? Well, they're making certain words meaningless in a world where there simply is not an unlimited supply of meaningful words.

The words used in the commercial include:

"Sheer exhiliration."

"Show-stopping."

"Moving."

"Breathtaking."

"Amazing."

"A major movie event."

Oh. Please. This movie isn't only not any one of these, but it's also not all of those. At all.

How do I know this without having seen the movie, you ask? Well, look. If you're going to ask questions like that, you're reading the wrong blog.

Now, please, get up from your computer, go to the phone, and call the people involved with "Rent" and tell them to stop it. Their movie sucks, and their commercials suck even worse.

Tell them I told you to call, and that you read about their stupid movie in my breathtaking blog. That way, I might get a free copy of their major movie event.

Today's Random Link

This one's a keeper.

Best Quote of the Year

My friend Kevin posted this life-altering quote in his blog, and I am stealing it to make it look like I read books.

Thich Nhat Hanh says:

Be yourself.
Life is precious as it is.
All the elements
for your happiness
are already here.
There is no need
to run, to strive, search or struggle.
Just be.

I don't know who this Thich person is, and I don't really understand his propensity for relatively random hard returns, but I think I shall make it a point to read this quote every day.

You'd think I'd have already mastered the art of just being. Mostly because it sounds like it doesn't involve any physical exertion. But just being is actually pretty tough.

Thanks, Thich.

Oh,
and you,
too,
Kevin.

Filipinos on the Phone

Why is it that if it's the country it's the Phillipines, but if you're from there, you're Filipino?

I like Filipinos for the most part. They are an affable people, and they make something called lumpia which is delicious.

I actually talked to a Filipino today. In the actual Phillipines. I didn't expect to, but I called Sprint, my cell phone company (as well as the source of many of my gray hairs), and apparently many of their customer service representatives are currently residing in the Phillipines.

My customer service Filipino was quite helpful, although I am not sure he was able to actually formulate any thoughts which were not in his "script." This made for a conversation that would have been wildly entertaining were it not for the fact that I am fully convinced I would have killed this person with my bare hands had he been nearby during this call.

The call ended with my new Filipino friend saying he was going to send me a "free" phone. I believe that quotation marks were invented by cell phone companies. You see, your phone is "free" (with a $36 activation fee), and you just have to go into "any Spring store" to pick up your "free" phone (even though no store in your state has the specific phone that would be considered "free"). It goes on and on. With each passing day, more and more quotation marks are foisted upon me.

I really do think I am going to "choke" someone about all this.

Today I also made the incredibly stupid mistake of thinking that, "Hey, if the Sprint store doesn't have the free phone, maybe they have it at Radio Shack." I spoke to a lovely salesperson, and she said that, indeed, they did have a free phone for me. An hour later, the contracts were signed, and the new phone was activated. At which point I was informed that the phone in question was only "free" if one was doing a new activation. I was renewing my contract. "Free" for some meant an additional $80 for me.

I should never have gotten that concealed weapon permit.

Anyhoo, my old phone was now useless, so I let the salesperson know that I would not, after all, be wanting a phone with quotation marks around the "free." Seven managers later, they still couldn't re-activate my old phone, so I got to make my fourth visit to the Sprint store.

I still do not have a new phone, although I believe my account now reflects an activation fee (for a phone I didn't take), plus who-knows-what-else. My only hope is that my Filipino friend comes through for me. I am quite sure that I will now be obligated to surrender my firstborn child to Sprint at some point. I'm O.K. with that, actually.

So, speaking of cell phones, did you know there are sites out there where you can pay a few bucks and you can purchase the cell phone records of friends, loved ones, enemies and other unsuspecting sots? What a world, what a world.

I'm Partial

I'm partial to stories about billboards. Especially stories about billboards that involve auto accidents and gorillas.